EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Daunte Culpepper's Conversation With Jon Gruden

[Editor's Note: The following is called satire. Please don't sue me.]

(Ring, Ring) Daunte Culpepper: Yo holla.

Jon Gruden: What up Pep?

DC: Chucky? What up G?

JG: I hear you're a free agent now. Just calling to see if you'd like to come play for me. We're undefeated right now, you know.

DC: Fo' shizzy. You'd have to holla at my agent yo. Yo dawg, holla at Chucky.

(puts phone down, takes off sunglasses and replaces with wire-rimmed reading glasses)


Daunte Culpepper (the agent): So you are interested in my client. Is that correct Mr. Gruden.

JG: Uh, yeah. You know I love quarterbacks.

DC(agent): About that. How many quarterbacks do the Bucs have?

JG: Five. Got three more lined up for the practice squad, got a former Canadian Football League QB cleaning my pool, and our back-up punter played quarterback in high school. You never can be too safe you know?

DC(agent): For sure. Where exactly would my client fit in that group? He is a star in this league. Without him their would be no NFL, no Randy Moss, no false optimism at Alabama.

JG: Don't worry about that Mr...Mr...

DC(agent): Pennyworth. Alvin Simon Theodore Pennyworth IV.

JG: Of course! Mr. Pennyworth. As I was saying, we have plenty of room for Pep on the team. Garcia will start the preseason. Gradkowski is our closer. We're saving Plummer for the postseason. Simms will be playing for my little brother's Arena team in Orlando and McCown will rotate in the third quarter against teams that play in domes or have a Jack in The Box near the airport. You like Jack in the Box?

DC(agent): What does Jack in the Box have to do with my client?

JG: Sirloin Mr. Pennyworth! Sirloin! No anguses in those burgers!

DC(agent): Right...but where does my client fit in on your team?

JG: Oh, yeah, sorry. We need Pep for our intra-mural squad.

DC(agent): Intra-mural squad?

JG: Is there an echo in here? We play an intra-mural game every week. Monte Kiffin and I draft our teams right after training camp. He beat me last year. Gonna get that son-of-bitch this year.

DC(agent): Will he be the starter on this intra-mural squad of yours?

JG: For the most part. My gardener is the backup. I saw him in my back yard the other day. The way he read the changing of the wind when racking the leaves was quite impressive. Kids got potential.

DC(agent): We are intrigued Mr. Gruden. Lets talk money.

JG: Why don't you and Pep come on down and we'll discuss this in person. I got a really nice yacht. Does your client love boats Mr. Pennyworth?

DC(agent): Hell yeah negro! (covers phone with hand) HEY DAUNTE, GRAB YO' SUNSCREEN, WE GOING TO OAKLAND TO SEE CHUCKY!