Advanced Computer Simulation Predicts 2007 NFL Season

I've had my graphing calculator, a fine TI-83 made by Texas Instruments, for 10 years now. It has gotten me through many college math classes with a good grade. Now it will predict the 2007 NFL season, complete with records and more!

How you ask? Don't ask. Cause if I told you how I managed to get a TI-83 to predict the future, you'd proceed to tell me how I have too much free time, no life, and/or both. Just know that all won/loss records are COMPLETELY random, and I asked a few yes/no questions to elaborate on the results.

AFC EAST:
1. Miami (10-6): The Fins start out 3-5, then go 7-1 after beating the NY Giants "at home" in London.
2. New England (10-6): The Pats finish strong after starting the season 4-5.
3. NY Jets (10-6): The Jets were in control at midseason with a 6-2 record, but couldn't hold off Miami and New England. Miami won the tiebreaker with a 5-1 division record.
4. Buffalo (6-10)

AFC SOUTH:
1. Indianapolis (12-4): The Colts cruise in a mediocre AFC South.
2. Houston (8-8): TI-83 thinks the Falcons were dumb for trading QB Matt Schaub.
3. Jacksonville (8-8)
4. Tennessee (6-10)

AFC NORTH:
1. Cleveland (11-5): The first really "crazy" prediction has to be the Browns winning 11 games. TI-83 likes Brady Quinn, and thinks he will start right away for Cleveland.
2. Pittsburgh (7-9)
3. Baltimore (6-10) Dark clouds ahead for the Ravens and Bengals! TI-83 predicts major injuries will do both teams in!
4. Cincinnati (5-11)

AFC WEST:
1. Denver (9-7): TI-83 thinks the AFC West will have a seriously down year.
2. Oakland (9-7): Not that strange compared to the Browns pick.
3. Kansas City (9-7)
4. San Diego (6-10): TI-83 thinks Norv Turner will be a huge flop as head coach. But six wins does seem too harsh.

NFC EAST:
1. Philadelphia (10-6): McNabb leads the Eagles back on top.
2. NY Giants (8-8)
3. Washington (8-8)
4. Dallas (3-13): TI-83 thinks Dallas should have taken Brady Quinn and that Romo and new coach Wade Phillips will bomb.

NFC SOUTH:
1. Tampa Bay (13-3): Jeff Garcia has a career year in Tampa. Which is more likely to happen: Tampa winning 13, Cleveland winning 11, San Diego winning 6, or Dallas winning 3?
2. Carolina (8-8)
3. New Orleans (6-10): Brees and Peyton come back down to earth.
4. Atlanta (6-10): Even a random simulator knows better than to pick the Dirty Birds to win more than six.

NFC NORTH:
1. Detroit (10-6): TI-83 agrees with Jon Kitna and Peter King: The Lions' offense under Mike Martz will be sick!
2. Green Bay (8-8)
3. Chicago (6-10): TI-83 not sold on Rex Grossman at QB and Cedric Benson at RB
4. Minnesota (6-10)

NFC WEST:
1. San Francisco (9-7): Interesting how the TI-83 predicts the parity of the NFC West to continue.
2. Seattle (9-7)
3. Arizona (7-9)
4. St Louis (7-9)

PLAYOFFS
First Round:
(AFC)
#3 Miami over #6 NY Jets
#5 New England over #4 Denver
(NFC)
#6 NY Giants over #3 Detroit
#4 San Francisco over #5 Seattle
Second Round:
(AFC)
#5 New England over #1 Indianapolis
#2 Cleveland over #3 Miami
(NFC)
#6 NY Giants over #1 Tampa Bay
#2 Philadelphia over #4 San Francisco

AFC Championship:
Cleveland over New England
NFC Championship:
Philadelphia over NY Giants

SUPER BOWL:
Philadelphia over Cleveland

Seem far fetched and way off base (and any other cliche you can think of)? Maybe, maybe not. Every NFL season is full of surprises, and the "experts" are almost always wrong. All they do with their predictions is project what happened the year before onto the following season.

I will revisit these predictions as the season goes along to see how they pan out. Remember, these predictions are not mine, they were derived randomly from my TI-83 calculator.

EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Daunte Culpepper's Conversation With Jon Gruden

[Editor's Note: The following is called satire. Please don't sue me.]

(Ring, Ring) Daunte Culpepper: Yo holla.

Jon Gruden: What up Pep?

DC: Chucky? What up G?

JG: I hear you're a free agent now. Just calling to see if you'd like to come play for me. We're undefeated right now, you know.

DC: Fo' shizzy. You'd have to holla at my agent yo. Yo dawg, holla at Chucky.

(puts phone down, takes off sunglasses and replaces with wire-rimmed reading glasses)


Daunte Culpepper (the agent): So you are interested in my client. Is that correct Mr. Gruden.

JG: Uh, yeah. You know I love quarterbacks.

DC(agent): About that. How many quarterbacks do the Bucs have?

JG: Five. Got three more lined up for the practice squad, got a former Canadian Football League QB cleaning my pool, and our back-up punter played quarterback in high school. You never can be too safe you know?

DC(agent): For sure. Where exactly would my client fit in that group? He is a star in this league. Without him their would be no NFL, no Randy Moss, no false optimism at Alabama.

JG: Don't worry about that Mr...Mr...

DC(agent): Pennyworth. Alvin Simon Theodore Pennyworth IV.

JG: Of course! Mr. Pennyworth. As I was saying, we have plenty of room for Pep on the team. Garcia will start the preseason. Gradkowski is our closer. We're saving Plummer for the postseason. Simms will be playing for my little brother's Arena team in Orlando and McCown will rotate in the third quarter against teams that play in domes or have a Jack in The Box near the airport. You like Jack in the Box?

DC(agent): What does Jack in the Box have to do with my client?

JG: Sirloin Mr. Pennyworth! Sirloin! No anguses in those burgers!

DC(agent): Right...but where does my client fit in on your team?

JG: Oh, yeah, sorry. We need Pep for our intra-mural squad.

DC(agent): Intra-mural squad?

JG: Is there an echo in here? We play an intra-mural game every week. Monte Kiffin and I draft our teams right after training camp. He beat me last year. Gonna get that son-of-bitch this year.

DC(agent): Will he be the starter on this intra-mural squad of yours?

JG: For the most part. My gardener is the backup. I saw him in my back yard the other day. The way he read the changing of the wind when racking the leaves was quite impressive. Kids got potential.

DC(agent): We are intrigued Mr. Gruden. Lets talk money.

JG: Why don't you and Pep come on down and we'll discuss this in person. I got a really nice yacht. Does your client love boats Mr. Pennyworth?

DC(agent): Hell yeah negro! (covers phone with hand) HEY DAUNTE, GRAB YO' SUNSCREEN, WE GOING TO OAKLAND TO SEE CHUCKY!